365 days have now passed.
The days somehow feel so long yet so short without you here. It's so quiet but I replay your voice in my mind, your voice notes, and your endless videos online to fill my world back up with sound. I decided months ago that I'd figure out a way to honor you, and tell the world about you. You being the writer you were, what better way than a whole public blog. Those that knew you, watched you find ways to express authentically, charismatically, and honestly. Whether you were on Facebook Live for hours talking about the most random things, writing the longest posts on IG , emailing every thought on a matter (bad or good)... You were expressive and you were YOU, out loud. So in honor of this part of my journey calling me to be visible when I preferred not to be (lol)...welcome to Good Grief. This is all for you. Of course I need to and want to also express everything for my grieving journey so this is also definitely for me. To those grieving or having experienced any hardships, or form of loss this is also for you. There are no rules on how to do anything so I'm creating my own and doing what I feel led and called to do.
Mamita, hopefully one day I can see things purely positive and spiritual but as of right now... not to be dramatic but I am still traumatized. I will say I'm grateful that when we got to you, you were in bed and had been sleep when you left us. That morning Sista (our grandma, and mom's mom), texted me around 9am saying " Good morning my sunflower, hope you're having an energetic morning because I'm feeling lazy.." there was more but I basically responded that something was in the air because I woke up dreading getting up for work.. which was normal but this day I had just laid there staring at the ceiling wanting to quit and just feeling this dread. Again, normal.. we know I HATED that company and had just went through our pay changes that resulted in me getting paid less... I also had moved into a new apartment ONE MONTH prior. So life was already feeling like it was gearing up for some sort of shift required from me but it also just kept feeling like, what could i do?! In this economy!? That man hadn't been re-elected yet but we had this horrendous project proposal being shared online that seemed to align with what I was seeing, so I knew that politically it would seem even harder to just quit a job with no back up plan as a Black woman. Still thinking this was the dread I felt, I had been on Facetime with Tyla (my one and only sister) most of the day both of us speaking on our exhaustion and need to make shit shake! lol Your girls just wanted to thrive and not just survive. I know you wanted and want that for us too..
So at this point it is a few hours into to the day.. it is now about noon. Papa (our dad) reached out asking if we had talked to you yet. I knew you had some work things starting early in the morning so I said not yet, and reminded him how early you had to be up for that. I hadn't responded to your messages from the night before.. You were so excited, overwhelmed and stressed about your husband in Jamaica (I know your spirit gonna pop me but it just hit me you really pulled a Stella Got Her Groove Back lmao) getting an immigration interview to come be here with you. Your birthday was about 3 weeks away and you were already planning on going to
Jamaica for your 50th birthday. The immigration interview was about two weeks after that so I know you were speaking as if you'd just do a turn around trip to go back for the interview. I ended up beginning to text back. I was reminding you that it was a stressful situation despite your excitement because you also hadn't worked a real full time, lucrative corporate job in over a decade. lol You were being optimistic but pulling a Tym (me), and wondering what was "off". Girl alot of it, but I get the denial and wanting to only focus on the desire..
I followed up texting that I was feeling off, and that my world felt quiet.. I assumed it was because I was off of social media for my 75 Hard I had just started a day before. When I tell you the shifting was so loud! I knew I was preparing for something big, a big leap of faith I thought.. (Maya Galore and AllyiahsFace had me ready to just quit my job and begin Youtubing full time lmao) The 75 Hard was supposed to be preparing me for whatever IT was. One of our last convos was around 6+ hours long. I was going to thrift stores, Ross's, Big Lots etc to find things for the apartment and my altar. Even though money was low you encouraged me to get out and stop acting like a victim to my circumstances. You reminded me that I could find affordable and nice things. You were right! You were on the phone with me the ENTIRE time. You knew how anxious I get being outside lol But it was also cool showing you things. Getting your approval for my altar actually still blows my mind. It's like you knew something was up too but not death. Although, you also had said maybe a night or two before passing that Tobie (mom's dog daughter, me and Tyla's now dog sister/daughter/niece) was scaring you because she had been growling at something in the corner one of the nights.
Which also reminds me, August 8th 2024 I pulled tarot cards and asked what my August would entail and one of the cards I pulled was a death card. I told you about it and told you how even though it doesn't necessarily represent actual death I still put the card back and pulled again. lmao We had already lost Mark (our uncle, and mom's brother) two years prior in August. After planning his memorial and still grieving I didn't have time for no more loss. I was wrong lol
Back to the day of everything - I'm texting you and responding to everything you had sent the night before. Then Papa reaches out again asking if we had heard anything now, its now around 1pm almost 2pm. Still on the phone with Tyla this whole time, barely working at all... we both start feeling a bit weird. I noticed you hadn't read or responded to anything I said. I kept saying to myself I know you'd answer me no matter what. Papa and your friendship, as admirable as it was and is... I knew if you were annoyed with him you'd ignore him and still be talking to me and Tyla like nothing was going on lol. When I told him we hadn't heard anything he said he was going to your place. When he got there he said he knocked and didn't hear anything and that he could sort of hear Tobie. It gets blurry here but I remember. His next call about 10 minutes later was that he was calling the ambulance. In my head I thought you were working the deposition with headphones on and we were calling 911 to bust the door open to find you super locked in and busy. Tyla's spirit sort of fell and we decided we should go just in case. Tyla immediately knew. I was in denial the entire time. Thankfully I live one mile from Tyla and Tyla was about half a mile from you so it didn't take us long at all. As I left I took a breath, texted you "You good?" then called Chavis (my bestfriend) to tell him something weird was going on. He said to just keep him updated of course. By this point I'm internally panicking but just telling myself, keep calm, especially for Tyla.
I get Tyla and then it feels like I'm speeding there. We get there and I park and we run in the building. This is where everything becomes a movie. I run to the elevator where two staff members are holding the doors open. I'm like wtf are y'all doing?! Move. They tell me they are waiting for the ambulance for a tenant. In my head once again I'm thinking ambulance is already were there so they are holding the doors on the wrong floor. (Our mom lived on the second floor). So the ambulance needs to bring you downstairs, no? I'm now thinking you must've fallen or something evident that equates to an injury. The staff is staring at me super weird so I get annoyed and turn around looking for stairs because now I'm thinking well let us get up there with you to wait for the ambulance WITH you. I turn to the stairs and Papa is standing there holding Tobie crying. I'm so confused. I just run upstairs and run to your door. There's a black woman standing there. I say hi and try walking past her. She says "you cant go in". I'm like "Oh apologies, this is my moms place". She stares at me like the people downstairs and still wont let me in. I'm now confused again. I ask "what did she hurt?". She shakes her head at me in a slow, you need to sit down sort of way. I'm like now girl what the hell my mama do?! I ask her if she can just say what is going on so I can tell my sister. She says "I'm sorry baby". I say "For what?". She says "She is no longer in there". I just pause cause now I'm indefinitely confused. I ask "What, where is she then?". She says that you've passed. I just start picturing the worst since they won't let me in. What are we even saying at this point? I call Sista immediately and tell her what the woman is saying. I'm pacing around crying in the apartment hallway, then Tyla comes up... I can't even remember my words but I tell her and we just both cry and hug. I think the woman hugged us too and was trying to say spiritual things. Nothing helped because this was so random. You were so young! Like what do you mean "Sometimes it's a person's time". No lady.
Eventually a guy comes to the door and says we can come in. I believe he had been in there attempting to bring you back. Your apartment was so quiet and so cold. I was looking around for things to be out of place. Nothing. I go to your bedroom and there you are. Laying like you always did like a big kid on your side and in semi fetal position. I just tried to take you in. I got in your bed and just laid behind you, cuddling you, hoping like on Disney that my warmth would bring you back. I kissed your arms, your cheeks and head. I told you how much you were loved over and over. I told you it was safe to leave. I kept staring at the corner of your room because I felt you had to still be around. It had only been hours since you had last spoken with someone. Tyla came in and I just remember her voice cracking and her saying "Mommyy". She goes in to your bathroom crying, I'm still laying there with you. The black lady from earlier is trying to console her, I get up to try too but I just remember after a moment we were both in bed with you. We took off your bracelets (I wear them everyday). You had on your blue nightgown with pink rim. You had a cute little head wrap on. We hid your phone because they said once the medical examiner came we'd have to go and they would need to investigate for foul play and would take your phone and other things. At that point we were smoothly trying to take alot. lol I kept just asking if this was the last time we would see you physically. You spoke on cremation often so I just needed to know I would get to see you again after this. We still just laid there until they told us to go. I called Nyree (my dearest friend) while laying with you to have her tell the job I left for the day and wasn't sure when I was returning. lol Tyla called Kenneth (Tyla's boyfriend) Once the examiners came we had to go. We waited outside with Papa, all of us just hugging and crying. Declaring how we needed to stick together now more than ever.
We were now those people, standing outside crying, in Downtown Dallas as people are getting off of work and in traffic staring at us. Seeing the ambulance, medical examiner, coroner truck ugh. Just all of it. Horrendous. We waited for them to bring you down before leaving. Once they finally did we all just went home. I live alone so I just went home and cried with the dogs, I had your phone but we couldn't get in it just yet so I just sat it down on the mantle. (This is an important detail for a future post) It didn't feel real. Still doesn't.
The moment I knew I'd be starting this blog, I knew I'd have to begin with this post. I still haven't journaled or even talked about the actual day of everything this whole time. There are still so many details to be shared and obviously endless follow up on the next days, the following weeks, until now a year later.. for now we are just beginning, starting with the day of your physical self ending.
You are and will always be my first soulmate, my first bestie, my first true love.
You are missed beyond comprehension, and you will NEVER be forgotten.